I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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