I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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