Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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