What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize