3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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