The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
