I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
