i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize