I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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