I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
