I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
