So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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