those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
did i just pee glitter
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize