Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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