I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
