my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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