my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize