If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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