Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she peed on how many people?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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