I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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