It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
