dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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