I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
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