and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
