Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
