barbara walters just said penis...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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