I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
