Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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