cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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