I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
