You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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