at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
