WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
