So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
