she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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