some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
