Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
