Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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