When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
