I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
