Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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