1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
