I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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