...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
