I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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