having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
