Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
