happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
