I'm eating all of the evidence.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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