fuck your aforementioned shoe
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
