My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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