every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
