So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
