when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize