She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
