If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
