Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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