i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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