She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
please come you make the beer taste better
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
